BRADLEY CENTER, MILWAUKEE, WISCONSIN
19/02/2012

Hello wrestling fans, and welcome to an in-depth look at this year’s Elimination Chamber event. Can CM Punk defend his WWE championship against five others inside the steel structure, and will the World Heavyweight Championship change hands going into Wrestlemania? Also, what will under-fire GM John Laryngitis have in store with his ‘game changing’ announcement? We’ll find out tonight!

The dark match tonight before the pay-per-view came on air saw Hunico defeat Alex Riley, so we can only berate the broadcasters for not deeming us worthy of watching that one, I’m sure it was a classic. Tonight’s commentary team consists of Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and Booker “five time” T. We kick off straight away with the first Elimination Chamber match for the WWE championship. As we know from recent events, Chris Jericho will be the last entrant in this match – will this help him with taking the belt from CM Punk?

WWE CHAMPIONSHIP ELIMINATION CHAMBER MATCH: DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. CHRIS JERICHO vs. THE MIZ vs. R-TRUTH vs. KOFI KINGSTON vs. CM PUNK (CHAMPION)
Even though he’s the last actual entrant, Jericho is introduced first, so let’s hope he’s been for a piss before entering the chamber. I should point out that my friend Carl has recently been doing his hair like Jericho, but it seems he has some way to go before achieving the physique of Y2J! Keep it up, Carl…Miz is next in, and dumps his leather coat on the floor with no respect for the garment whatsoever – honestly, it’ll lose its shape, it will. Next up is Mr. Ziggler, with his nice pink tights. My father-in-law remarks that Vickie Guerrero is looking rather fit this evening (I think, no, HOPE he’s joking there). R-Truth enters in a hilarious ‘Little Jimmy Says’ t-shirt, which I might have to invest in. So, by laws of deduction, its Kofi Kingston and Punk starting us off. A nicely clean-shaven CM Punk (that’s sparked some debate on whether he looks better with a beard or not) finishes us off introductions-wise, and we’re ready to go. It’ll be interesting to find out if the pods in tonight’s chamber match are made of that bulletproof stuff that Michael Cole likes to bang on about? We’ll doubtless get told. Kofi and Punk lock up, with the other four gents looking on. A predictably quick start from both men, with Kofi’s athleticism coming through early on as he vaults the ropes and lands on his feet after an Irish Whip. Punk goes at Kofi with some martial arts kicks and knees to the chest, before getting caught in a sunset flip by Kofi for a two count. Both men then reverse each other’s pin attempts a number of times, before Punk powers out and goes for an early GTS which he can’t pull off. Kofi floors Punk with a nice dropkick, and is kicked in the head as he prepares for a Boom Drop. Punk tries a suplex over the ropes which is reverses by Kofi, who tries a backdrop on Punk, who tries to land on his feet but can only land on his knee. Punk catapults Kofi into Jericho’s pod head-first, and we get the first mention of how bulletproof the pods are. A nice suplex on the metal grating by Punk leaves Kofi writhing in pain, before he’s rolled back into the ring. Two-count for Punk, and we can’t be too far away from the next entrant. Punk is on top now, landing some blows on Kofi in the corner of the ring, before slamming him hard to the mat and taking a breather. Another close fall for Punk, and we’re counting down to the third man being entered into the match – its Dolph Ziggler, who immediately sets after Punk, as expected. He rakes the champ’s head against the outer fencing, before landing a nice fireman’s carry on Punk to the metal flooring. Ziggler climbs the fence and does some impromptu pull-ups before landing a leg drop and covering Punk for a two-count. Ziggler hits a big splash on Kofi in the corner before Jericho makes a snide remark inside his pod. Ziggler goes for a splash on Punk, who moves out the way. All three men are resting now, but Punk recovers first and lands a clothesline on Ziggler before Kofi comes back into it. Ziggler is slammed to the mat first by Punk and then by Kofi. Punk then lands a big dropkick on Ziggler, and Kofi goes airborne against Ziggler, as does Punk – both men end up colliding mid-air as Ziggler wisely moves out the way. All three men are grounded, with Ziggler on the outside of the ring. Anyone could realistically get a pin fall here, and Punk gets a two on Kofi as we ready ourselves for another entrant – and its R-Truth! He enters with relish and begins an assault on Ziggler, before he’s kicked in the face – but recovers sufficiently to hip toss Ziggler over the ropes onto the metal grating, then launching himself on top of him, hurting himself in the process. Ziggler is hit with a big move from Truth, and covers him, but its only a two count. Punk delivers some knees to Truth, before trying his corner turnbuckle knee and bull-dog, which he foregoes for the sake of a massive super-plex, and covers Truth for a two count. Kofi goes for Trouble In Paradise, which Punk avoids then sends him flying over the rope to the outside. Punk slams Truth down then goes to the top rope, goading Jericho as he goes. He hits his big Randy Savage-style elbow drop, and eliminates Truth win a pinfall!

ELIMINATED BY PINFALL: R-TRUTH

Ziggler gets a near pin, rolling up Punk, before he’s thrown out and Kofi covers the champion, but can’t get the three count. Kofi leaps to the fencing, clinging on and then hitting an impressive tornado DDT on Ziggler, but injures his back on the metal grating. Miz is gearing up to get out, knowing he will be released next. And get out he does as the timer counts down to zero, and he sets upon Punk immediately, slinging Punk into one of the vacant pods, before doing the same to Kofi, then choking him out against the fencing. He drags Kofi up and slams him down on the metal, before re-entering the ring, and avoiding a dive from Ziggler, who he flings over his head and to the outside. He rolls him back in and gets a two-count, before stalking Kofi and charging him backwards into a turnbuckle. He sits Kofi on the top rope, and gets a foot in the face for his troubles. Miz knocks Kofi off and gets a two count in the middle of the ring. Miz hits a clothesline on Punk in the corner, but trying it again he’s caught in the GTS position by Punk. Miz reverses it into a Skull Crushing Finale, which Punk wriggles free from, only to get DDT’d viciously to the mat. Miz then locks in a chin-lock over the ropes on Punk, which he eventually fights free from, buying him some respite. Punk is kicked in the face as he rushes Miz, but manages to ground him and slap on the Anaconda Vice as the timer counts down from ten to mark the arrival of Jericho. Miz is still hanging on, and Punk let’s go of the hold as Jericho faces him. Jericho launches into an assault on the champion, and gets a near-fall. Punk fights back with some martial arts kicks which Jericho reverses into the Walls of Jericho. Punk gets Jericho in the GTS, but Y2J fights back with a bulldog and lionsault for another two count. Ziggler gets a near fall on Jericho with a roll-up, before Jericho eliminates Ziggler with a Code Breaker!

ELIMINATED BY PIN FALL: DOLPH ZIGGLER

Jericho is now attacking Kofi and Punk as Ziggler is let out of the chamber. Jericho is caught by the legs by Punk and catapulted over the ropes to the metal floor. Punk shoves Jericho into one of the pods head-first, before a thumb to the eye buys some time for Jericho, who hides back inside his pod! Punk tries to get in, and breaks his way in, landing various blows, before Jericho traps Punk’s arm in the pod door, before slamming it shut on his body. Jericho is looking like the one in control now, and he turns his attention to Kofi, throwing him back into the turnbuckle and having a rest. Kofi hits a flipping DDT move on the metal floor which hurts him as much as Jericho, and Miz tries to cover Jericho as he rolls into the ring, but he only gets a two count. Miz continues his assault this time on Kofi, battering him in the corner with fists and knees, before he’s caught with a big kick to the head. Kofi then heads to the top rope, but is caught by Miz on route. He goes for a superplex, but Punk grabs Miz and delivers a powerbomb from the top rope, and gets a two count for his trouble. Kofi meanwhile has climbed to the top of one of the pods, and hits a big cross body splash on Miz and Punk, before covering Miz, but he can’t get him. Jericho takes advantage and locks in the Walls of Jericho on Kofi, driving his knee into his shoulder – Kofi can’t hang on for long and eventually he has to tap.

ELIMINATED BY SUBMISSION: KOFI KINGSTON

After making Kofi submit, Jericho vents his anger by throwing Kofi over the top rope, and then sending him crashing into the fencing – he’s making a point, but not one that makes much sense. He ends his treatment of Kofi by throwing Kofi out the chamber, before Jericho is sent crashing out the chamber himself after a kick from Punk. He lands on some lights, and after a consultation by two referees, it looks like Jericho can no longer continue. A doctor comes down and examines him, and makes a fairly big deal out of saying he basically can’t carry on. Punk stands by the chamber entrance looking on, wondering if he’s got one less competitor to deal with. The camera man next to Jericho (doing a fantastically bad acting job) makes out that he too, has been mortally wounded by the falling Jericho, and is getting seen to as well by the medical team now. Meanwhile, back in the ring, it’s Miz and Punk, and the reigning champion nearly steals a quick pin for the win.

ELIMINATED (CANNOT CONTINUE): CHRIS JERICHO

Punk hits a bulldog, and may now actually get to hit his GTS finisher on Miz to win the match, but waits for Miz to get to his feet. Somehow, he reverses Punk’s leap over the ropes into his Skull Crushing Finale, which he hits with authority, but Punk kicks out at two! Miz seems in better shape right now, and hits some big knees to the chest, before driving his shoulder into Punk in the corner. He climbs the turnbuckle and lands numerous punches to the champion, angered that he hasn’t put him away yet. Punk moves out of the way of Miz’s charge to the corner, and he crashes into one of the pods. Punk hits his GTS (at last!) and pins Miz to retain the WWE championship going into Wrestlemania!

WINNER BY PIN FALL: CM PUNK (TITLE RETAINED)

Trivia: Punk lasted over 32mins in that match – thanks, Michael Cole for the timekeeping! I still feel that, as there was no official announcement of Jericho’s capitulation in that match, he’ll use that to his advantage in getting either a rematch or a title match spot at Wrestlemania, but we’ll have to see. As Punk walks out the chamber, he regards Jericho – still lying prone on the rampway where he fell – before shrugging his shoulders and walking on, milking the applause. Still to come, we have the Smackdown elimination chamber match, which should be a treat seeing as Santino Marella has somehow bagged himself a spot in the match. Cue: “hilarious” Rocky-style training build up where he drinks some raw eggs. Great, now sod off. I really, really think it’s terrible he’s been put in the title match, I do. If he ends up winning, I’m never watching WWE again. Seriously. Time for some footage of John Cena weightlifting – nice one, John. Good to see you’re keeping in shape for tonight and also Wrestlemania.

WWE DIVA’S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: TAMINA SNUKA vs. BETH PHOENIX (CHAMPION)
Ooh, goody! Diva’s championship time! The Glamazon comes to the ring still dressing like a Pussycat Doll, although I do like her theme music. She’s up against Jimmy Snuka’s daughter, so seeing as we have two more traditional wrestling-type women involved, this match shouldn’t be as awful as something featuring Eve Torres or Kelly Kelly. But we’ll see. Beth invites Tamina to exit the ring gracefully before she gets hurt, which would be really funny if she actually did. Tamina responds with…a slap to the stomach – interesting offence there, but it works as Beth is grounded. Oh, Beth has some tartan knickers on tonight, which are quite fetching. Michael Cole, ever the font of knowledge, tells us Elimination Chamber is airing tonight for the first time in Romania! Back to the action, and Beth sends Tamina toppling off the ring apron, before returning to the ring and looking for a count out. I wonder if they’ve managed to scrape Jericho off the ramp-way yet? I think they must have done. Beth now has Tamina in a life-threatening headlock, which she vaguely manages to battle out of. Beth gives her a sarcastic clap, before getting right back on the offensive. Something about Beth Phoenix reminds me of that baddie from the James Bond movie ‘Goldeneye’ – the one who could kill men by squashing them to death with her thighs. Something to watch out for in bed there…Tamina hits a big uppercut, before flooring Beth with a Samoan Drop. Tamina goes up top, but Beth catches her and goes up for a superplex. She hits it, but has hurt herself in the process…both women are counted out as they remain on the floor, but Beth gets to her feet first. They exchange some blows, before Tamina reaches into the draw containing the chest slaps and chops like her old man, and hits a big splash on Beth in the corner. She nearly takes Beth’s head off, and then goes up to the top rope to hit a splash, which she hits but can only get a two-count. Tamina goes up top again, but Beth rolls out the ring to escape her. She’s promptly tossed back in, but Beth slings Tamina into the turnbuckle, before landing the Glam Slam to retain the title!

WINNER BY PINFALL: BETH PHOENIX (TITLE RETAINED)

A women’s match that was better than most, but its still filled the requisite five minutes before our next match. Well done girls, you can go backstage now and have a nice bath. Yay, an advert for bullying featuring former WCW champion, David Arquette! Back to proceedings, we have Santino preparing for his match by boxing with what appears to be a huge condom filled with meat…oh no, it’s a piece of ham hanging from a string net. As you do. Jesus, what’s the point. Another pointless segment follows as work experience lad Josh Matthews interviews Chris Jericho – or rather, doesn’t. He’s still feeling a bit icky presumably, so he leaves it there. Cracking journalism there, Matthews. In the ring, it’s for John Laryngitis and David Otunga to deliver his ‘game changing’ announcement. He nearly fluffs his lines (something he does an awful lot) and tells us he’s been in front of the board of directors and then has the gall to go on and say how bad a manager Teddy Long is (to be fair, he is quite a cack manager, but way ahead of Laryngitis). He’s interrupted by a returning Alberto Del Rio, who rolls up in quite a nice old-fashioned car. Cars really aren’t my strong point, but Cole tells us it’s an Excalibur or something. Del Rio tells us that Laryngitis ought to be the general manager of everything in the WWE. As he’s done saying this, Mark Henry makes his way down (slowly, he’s still a chunky lad, despite his time away from the ring). Predictably, Henry has a go at Long for suspending him and giving away his spot in the Elimination Chamber. He also says he’s never seen Laryngitis abuse his power, and adds his voice to the fact that he ought to be manager of Smackdown, Raw, and presumably, Superstars (although I bet he’s not too fussed about that one). Just as Henry gets done, Christian’s music hits and he too comes down (with a longer beard and hair) to have a go at his treatment in general and too say that Laryngitis needs to be given more power in the WWE. Otunga takes a photo of him and his cronies – are we seeing the start of a new faction? – which will presumably be on Twitter. And that appears to be it – no particularly earth-shattering announcement from the man, but was that really to be expected? It was like when Jericho made his big comeback, then didn’t say anything for two weeks. A bit pointless, and you have to wonder if he’s trolled everyone with the little skit. More from Santino Marella next, with him running up and down some steps. They seriously need to stop tihs now, I f*****g hate him, and hope something terrible happens to him inside the chamber. Work experience lad Josh Matthews has this time managed to bag Big Show for an interview before his match – he looks distinctly unimpressed. I’ve just noticed, Big Show’s beard is taller than Josh Matthews…

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP ELIMINATION CHAMBER MATCH: WADE BARRETT vs. CODY RHODES vs. BIG SHOW vs. GREAT KHALI vs. SANTINO MARELLA vs. DANIEL BRYAN (CHAMPION)
OK, let’s get this one over with. Great Khali enters first, and it’s a wonder he’s going to fit inside one of the pods. Perhaps he’s got a special taller one. It has to be said, this match has really suffered in terms of ‘must watch’ status after Orton and Henry have been unceremoniously dumped out of it. We’re not to expect a technical contest with Khali involved, and Santino is just going to dick about like a four-year-old after too much Coca-Cola for a few minutes. Cody Rhodes is next in – he’s someone I’d quite like to see involved in a title match, but I can’t really see him at that stage just yet. Third in is my favourite wrestler ever, and I’m not going to say any more because it’ll not do anything for my blood pressure. What a dick. Fourth in is the current World Heavyweight Champion, Daniel Bryan, who is another one who is getting on my nerves. Barrett will be starting the match off, who is realistically for me one of the only men (apart from Big Show) I can see winning this. Or at least who I feel SHOULD win. Big Show will be kicking it off with him, which must be an ominous task. A referee locks the chamber as Barrett and Show lock up. As averages would dictate, Big Show takes the upper hand early, displaying his dominance with some big chops. Barrett fights back, but doesn’t get anywhere. Cole makes the point that Snooki (the orange thing from ‘Jersey Shore’) has been more successful at Wrestlemania than Big Show, which is a fair point. Barrett now has Big Show on the mat, and tries a pin, but is thrown off by the power of Big Show. Barrett slams Big Show into the metal chain-link fence, and he reels back into the ring ropes. Barrett chokes Big Show with the help of the ropes, but Show kicks Barrett away and gets to his feet, before Barrett goes back to his offensive on the big man’s legs. Barrett is forced out the ring between the ropes, and Big Show suplexes him back into the ring and goes for a pin – two count. He lands some big chops on Barrett’s chest, before hurling him over the top rope to the metal floor outside. Booker says Big Show might have broken one of Barrett’s ribs by standing on him – funny that, I didn’t know you had ribs in your abdomen. The first man released from his pod is the current Intercontinental champion Cody Rhodes. He’s reluctant to come out, and as soon as he enters the ring, he’s beaten “like a government mule” as Jim Ross would say. Rhodes gamely battles on though, before he’s tossed out the ring like a used tissue, injuring his leg in the process. Barrett is then thrown face first into the fence, and Show then focuses on Rhodes again, slapping him in the chest and trying to squash him against the fence, but Rhodes moves out the way. He doesn’t get much respite though, as Show catches him on the top rope and slams him into the fencing head-first. In the ring, Barrett avoids a chokeslam and goes back to working on Show’s legs, trying to keep him down. He locks a submission move in, but it seems unlikely Show will tap. He escapes from the move, and slings Barrett into the ropes, but is downed by a double-team move from Rhodes and Barrett. Rhodes tries a cover, but can’t get anything on him. Barrett slams Rhodes into the metal fencing three times in a row, before taunting Daniel Bryan inside his pod. Barrett then slams Rhodes into Santino’s pod, and then the turnbuckle, before stalking him again. Rhodes charges Barrett into the fence however, as the timer counts down again. Jesus, Santino is the next one in and does a number on Barrett, making him look a much better wrestler than he really is. As he’s gearing up, he turns around and is confronted by Big Show, who shows no mercy and flings Santino halfway across the ring. Rhodes delivers a knee to the back of Show, and then some big stomps. It’s safe to say my father-in-law does not want Rhodes or Bryan to win tonight. Show grounds Rhodes with a slap then chucks him over the top rope, before doing the same to Barrett. Show points at Bryan, probably telling him he’s next. Rhodes and Barrett deliver a huge suplex on the metal fencing to Show, but can’t get it together to roll him into the ring for the pin. Since when did you have to get someone in the ring to pin them? I thought falls counted anywhere in the chamber! It’s like what they did with Hell in a Cell matches – surely everyone remembers Triple H pinning Jericho on top of that? Back to this match, and Rhodes hits a huge moonsault on Barrett, but can’t get the pin. Barrett winds up hitting the metal flooring outside the ring hard. Santino is worked on by Rhodes, and thrown into the chamber wall – nice to see he’s made such an impression so far. Rhodes kicks at Khali’s pod. The timer begins its countdown, and Khali is released into the match. As is normal protocol, he storms in and annihilates everyone, delivering a Punjabi Plunge to Rhodes and Barrett, before looking around for someone to assault. Big Show collides with Khali and gets the pin-fall immediately on him!

ELIMINATED BY PINFALL: THE GREAT KHALI

Nice to see you, Khali. Never mind, lad. Although it’s embarrassing he didn’t last as long as Santino…Big Show eyes up Bryan, who doesn’t seem fazed by the big man. Santino has apparently crawled into a vacant pod and is now dying slowly. Big Show climbs on the top rope and tries to grab Bryan through the top of his pod, but he can’t quite reach. Show rips at the chain link in a bid to get in, and seems to be managing it by breaking the chains off! He has no patience, as if he just sat and waited for a bit, the door would open of it’s own accord and he could do what he wants to him. Saying that, Show has now broken in completely and is beating the crap out of Bryan with both men in the same pod! Surely it’s got to break soon! Show chokes out Bryan against the side, with the timer counting down, but it makes no difference! Bryan escapes, but is sent crashing back through the pod with force as Big Show hurls him into it! He certainly won’t last long like this – Bryan is then dumped into the centre of the ring by Show, who shoves Barrett out the way so he has more room to inflict punishment on the man who has caused so much embarrassment over the last couple of months. Big Show indicates he’s going for the chokeslam, and brings Bryan down hard. Barrett intervenes, and attacks Show with some big knees. He downs Big Show with a big boot, and is rolled up by Santino who gets a two count. Rhodes delivers a kick off the ropes to Big Show’s head twice, and he then hits a DDT on Big Show after trying to land his Cross Rhodes finisher. Barrett hits an elbow drop off the tope ropes, and Rhodes sneaks in for the cover to eliminate Big Show!

ELIMINATED BY PINFALL: BIG SHOW

In the aftermath, Santino quickly rolls up Cody Rhodes and pins him as well!

ELIMINATED BY PINFALL: CODY RHODES

Cody, quite rightly, dumps Santino to the mat in a fit of anger. Barrett goes for a fall on Santino, before being chucked to the outside and slammed into the chain link fence twice. Barrett traps Santino in the fence, and repeatedly kicks him in the stomach, before returning to the ring. Bryan and Barrett go at it, with Bryan botching a springboard off the ropes, before trapping Barrett in a pinning attempt, which he gets a two count for, and then into the LaBelle Lock, which he can’t complete. Bryan lands some big kicks to Barrett in the corner, before putting him on the top rope. Barrett shoves him off onto the rope, before kicking him to the mat. Santino appears to be hiding, no doubt ready to burst out of nowhere and pin someone out of the blue. Barrett powerbombs Bryan into the metal fence, before ramming his head into a vacant pod and squeezing Bryan’s head in the pod door. Santino manages to gets to his feet, but is quickly downed by Barrett who looks the dominant man right now. He tries for Wasteland on Santino, but leaves him stranded on the ropes, before delivering a huge boot to Santino’s face. On the outside of the ring, Santino is flung into the fence, and beaten in the back. Barrett turns around and is hit by a flying knee from Bryan, who then rams Barrett into a pod twice, before he’s dislodged from the top rope by Barrett. He then puts Bryan through the door of the pod that Big Show broke into, and then goes for Wasteland off the top rope, before Santino interrupts. He sets Barrett up and goes for a superplex, before Barrett fights back and shoves him off. Barrett misses a huge elbow drop off the ropes, and is then hit by a top rope head-butt from Bryan. Predictable as ever, Santino sneaks in and pins Barrett to eliminate him from the match!

ELIMINATED BY PINFALL: WADE BARRETT

Santino lays into Bryan, but is slammed to the turnbuckle by the current champion. He lands some kicks to the back and chest. As much as I thought I’d never find myself saying it, I actually want Bryan to win now – if he doesn’t, I’m quitting watching WWE for good. Bryan tries for a pin-fall, but can’t get the win. Bryan resorts to a top rope move, and misses a big head-butt. Santino gets that pissing stupid sock thing out and does his rip-off Mr. Socko routine, and nails Bryan but again he can’t get the pin-fall. Sanity is thankfully restored when Daniel Bryan hits the LaBelle Lock and, after a short time, makes Santino tap to retain his championship.

WINNER BY SUBMISSION: DANIEL BRYAN (TITLE RETAINED)

Now that WWE have got that little Marella fixation out of their system, I hope we can move forward now and concentrate on actual, proper wrestlers providing some entertainment instead of second rate losers like Santino pratting around doing tired ‘Rocky’ sketches, wandering about with an imaginary trumpet and having one of the most abominable finishing moves ever created. Words can’t actually describe how much I hate Santino, but I hope you’ve got the gist. As Bryan is celebrating his victory, everyone’s favourite Irishman, Sheamus, enters the chamber and gives the champion what for, in effect announcing that he wants to face Bryan for the World Heavyweight Championship at Wrestlemania! (That’ll be odd, seeing as their match was bumped from the card at the last event, it’ll now be a headline match at this year’s event!)

Backstage, we have another rather disturbing sketch with Hornswoggle doing a cringe-worthy turn with Natalya which involves him scoffing some cheese, and insinuating that she farts a lot. Christ on a bike, what’s happening with the writing for this event? It’s been dire!!!!! This appears to be a build up to a match, with Swagger, Vickie Guerrero and Justin Gabriel ending up all having a slagging match, which is interrupted by Teddy Long delivering one of the best barbs I’ve heard all evening to Vickie Guerrero: “things are getting ugly? I think they already have!” Long puts Swagger in an impromptu US title match with Justin Gabriel – God knows what he’s done to deserve a championship match, but there you go. Gotta fill the running time somehow, I guess.

WWE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: JUSTIN GABRIEL (W/ HORNSWOGGLE) vs. JACK SWAGGER (CHAMPION) (W/ VICKIE GUERRERO)
It’s been a weird running order to the card tonight, since when has a United States title match ranked higher than BOTH world title matches? Surely this one would have worked opening the event? Bizarre. Still, I suppose they have to have John ‘Golden Boy’ Cena main eventing, don’t they? Not that I was looking intently, but I don’t think Vickie is wearing a bra this evening. Urgh. Swagger takes the advantage in the early going, even goading Gabriel with some push-ups while he’s on the mat. He locks in a submission, and fights out, bringing Swagger to the mat with an early pin attempt and a forearm smash off the ropes. Gabriel takes a tumble over the top rope, but re-enters the ring quickly, gaining another pinning attempt with a cross body block. Swagger exits the ring to regroup, but Gabriel lands a big corkscrew body splash to the outside, and landing some big kicks on the outside. Swagger gets Gabriel back inside though, and works on his ankle, slapping the ankle lock on, more in frustration than anything, and Gabriel submits in double quick time.

WINNER BY SUBMISSION: JACK SWAGGER (TITLE RETAINED)

We get another trailer for Wrestlemania – I’d expect a lot more of these in the next six weeks as we build up to the event itself – and this one tells us that John Cena is facing The Rock! I’ll never know how they managed to keep that match quiet…Back at the commentary desk, it’s amusing how Lawler never seems to dress up for pay-per-views anymore – tonight he’s deemed a pink t-shirt fit for doing his announcing duties. We get the build up to the Kane vs. Cena match, with how Kane has tried to get Cena to ‘embrace the hate’ by generally being a bit of a b*****d to Cena, Zack Ryder and Eve Torres. I do like this rather bad-ass Kane since he’s come back, even if his hair turns out to be a wig or not. Despite this match being hyped, you know that Cena has this one in the bag from the off, seeing as they never really got the job done at the Royal Rumble. Loved the bit on the highlights where Kane shoves Ryder off the stage in his wheelchair…I think Ryder should sue through Claims Direct – where’s there’s blame there’s a claim, Zack.

AMBULANCE MATCH: KANE vs. JOHN CENA
The ambulance gets reversed onto the entrance way, and Kane gets introduced in his welder’s mask. What’s he going to make for us today? Perhaps a bench? You might think I’m taking the mick, I’m not – I actually quite like the black outer mask he has, I think it’s rather cool. Cena makes his entrance, to a surprisingly good reaction. I expect the “Cena sucks!” chants will start up soon enough. Both of them go at it from the off, with Cena slung over the top rope by Kane, who continues raining blows down. They’re on the entrance ramp and beginning to fight their way up to the ambulance, by the way of slamming each other into the security railing. Kane sends Cena reeling over towards the ambulance doors, which Kane opens in readiness. Cena drags a stretcher out as he tries to resist being thrown in by the Big Red Monster. Once again Kane tries to send Cena inside, but he retaliates with a spinal board, smashing it into Kane’s head. He beats him again with it, and leaves Kane on the concrete as he listens to the reaction of the crowd, which has got rather loud. Kane fights back with some big right hands, before Cena manages to reverse being thrown into the ring steps and gets a bit of breathing space. Cena rushes Kane inside the ring but is met with a big punch with grounds him again, before landing a big boot and pummelling him with blows on the floor. Kane has established control somewhat now, and is buttering Cena up in a way that so far, has not exactly been technical. I take it this is a no disqualification match; there’s been no use of weaponry apart from Cena’s little excursion with the spinal board earlier. Kane catches Cena with a sidewalk slam, before ascending the top rope and being caught with a dropkick to the legs by Cena on the way down. Cena lands his series of moves leading to the Five Knuckle Shuffle, which he hits big time. Kane stumbles to his feet, but Kane fights out of the Attitude Adjustment. Kane grabs Cena’s face, suffocating him and getting him on the mat. Finally, Kane deems it necessary to get something from under the ring, and retrieves a wheelchair – well, that’s a first! I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone yank one of those out to use as a weapon before. Kane tries to wheel Cena up the ramp to the ambulance, but Kane slaps his suffocating glove move. Cena gets his bearings, and fights his way out of the wheelchair and rams Kane into the side of the ambulance. He storms off back to the ring and grabs the wheelchair, folding it up and battering Kane in the head with it. Kane is down and looking weary now, and it’s his turn to get planted in the wheelchair, and pushed into some sound equipment at the top of the entrance way. Not quite as impressive as shoving Zack Ryder off the stage, but near enough. Kane slings a laptop at Cena, before powering him over a railing into a technical area. Cena catches Kane with a steel chair, before walking him through the crowd and into more monitoring desks. Both men are throwing each other about now, with Kane being flung over the security railing and back to the ringside area. Kane is then nailed with a microphone, before Cena does some rearranging to the Spanish annoucer’s desk and battering Kane in the head with a monitor. The ring steps come into play, Cena clobbering Kane with them, which Cena has a good smile about. Cena sets the larger set of metal ring steps up, before flooring Kane with them again. Not much movement now from Kane as Cena finishes off assembling the ring steps near the announcer’s desk, and waiting for Kane to rise. Cena lifts Kane onto his shoulders, before walking up the steps one at a time, but Kane escapes from the hold and chokeslams Cena through the desk! Well that backfired, didn’t it, Jonathan? “You’ve gotta be kidding me” mutters Booker T. Kane wanders off towards the ambulance, leaving Cena on the collapsed announcer’s desk. Instead of reversing the ambulance down to the ringside area, which I thought he might be doing, Kane wheels the stretcher down and places Cena on it, face first. Up the ramp they go, and Kane could have it here if he rams the stretcher into the ambulance. Kane is dragging Cena into the ambulance though, and has him inside, but Cena kicks the doors open and fights back by slamming his head in the side door, and then into the passenger side door. Cena clambers up on top of the ambulance, taunting Kane to follow him up. Both men fight on top of the vehicle, Kane trying to chokeslam Cena on the roof, but Cena reverses it and hits the Attitude Adjustment off the roof and onto a stage area next to the ambulance. Hmm, yeah – it was alright, but hardly Mick Foley getting thrown off the roof of the Hell in a Cell by Undertaker. After dragging him ass around to the back doors, Cena dumps Kane inside the ambulance, slams the doors shut and sends it on its way out of the arena. Celebrating in the ring, he points at the Wrestlemania logo, telling us that “there’s only one man left!” – presumably referring to when The Rock hands his ass to him in the main event.

WINNER: JOHN CENA