RAW emanated from the Nassau Coliseum in Strawng Island, New York. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole were on commentary.
CM Punk pinned John Cena in the main event.
“Rowdy” Roddy Piper pinned The Miz after the return of Piper’s Pit.
R-Truth one-upped Little Johnny Cena, Little Johnny Morrison, and all the Little Jimmys.
Stone Cold left his mark on RAW…and on the anonymous RAW General Manager.
Kane defeated Alberto Del Rio by disqualification.
Sin Cara, Daniel Bryan, and Ezekiel Jackson defeated Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, and Wade Barrett by pinfall.
Sheamus defeated Santino Marella by submission.
Rey Mysterio defeated Christian by disqualification.
R-Truth versus John Morrison: No contest.
Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne defeated Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger by pinfall.
Roddy Piper defeated The Miz by pinfall.
Seven diva faces defeated seven diva heels by pinfall.
CM Punk defeated John Cena by pinfall.
The Miz came to the ring and declared himself the all-time WWE all-star. Miz said he would expose A-Ri as a fraud at the upcoming pay-per-view, and he then called out Stone Cold Steve Austin, the typical Attitude Era superstar jealous of Miz’ success. Stone Cold’s music hit, and he came out to a huge pop. Deafening chants of “WHAT”punctuated every line that Austin uttered at Miz. Austin manhandled Miz on the mic and warned him to keep his lips closed while Austin’s were moving. Austin then announced that Miz and A-Ri would get some couples counseling…from Rowdy Roddy Piper in Piper’s Pit. Austin then warned Miz to get out of his ring, and a scared, sulky Miz complied with Austin’s demands and left the ring.
Then, Alberto Del Rio arrived in a 2009 Porsche 911 D-2 worth $179,000. Del Rio wanted Stone Cold, the greatest superstar of his time, to pass the torch to Alberto Del Rio, the greatest of this generation. Stone Cold used his fortune-telling abilities to predict an ass-whooping in his near future. Stone Cold then announced that Del Rio would fight next, and his opponent was…Kane.
Alberto Del Rio versus Kane
Del Rio worked on Kane’s left arm early on in the match. Kane countered with a sidewalk slam but then ended up in Del Rio’s arm breaker by the side of the ropes. Del Rio, in an attempt to break Kane’s arm, refused to break the five-count after Kane got to the ropes. Winner by disqualification: Kane. After the match, Big Show ran to the ring to save Kane. After a couple of shots, Del Rio fled the scene, and Big Show proceeded to pound mercilessly on Ricardo Rodriguez as Kane, the voice of reason and moderation, urged Big Show to stop. Kane was forced to apply a sleeper on Big Show to get him to calm down. Stone Cold then announced that Del Rio would fight Big Show at Capitol Punishment.
Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, and Wade Barrett versus Sin Cara, Daniel Bryan, and Ezekiel Jackson.
Sin Cara began the match with some high-flying moves against Cody Rhodes. Rhodes then subdued Daniel Bryan with a series of punches and kicks. DiBiase did a little bit but then tagged Wade Barrett, who slowed things down on Bryan with a half-assed camel clutch, like Jimmy Garvin used to do. Barrett then exchanged words with Jackson and punched Sin Cara off the ring apron. Jackson was tagged in against Barrett and delivered his succession of slams and lifted Barrett into the Human Torture Rack, but Rhodes and DiBiase made the save. After throwing Legacy to the floor, Jackson military pressed Daniel Bryan and dropped him into a high cross body press onto Legacy on the floor. Then, Sin Cara hit a lateral press from the middle of the top ropes on Wade Barrett and scored the pinfall. Winners by pinfall: Sin Cara, Daniel Bryan, and Ezekiel Jackson.
Hornswaggle stood in the center of the ring shooting T-shirts to all of the little Jimmys of in Long Island. R-Truth came out and said that it looked like funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn and R-Truth liked to have funnnnnnnnnnn. Truth reassured Hornswaggle that he had nothing to worry about. Truth said that he was going to beat John Cena on Sunday and that Cena could not stop him from getting what he wanted. Hornswaggle then shot a T-shirt into R-Truth’s gut, but this just enraged him. Truth at first reassured Hornswaggle that they were cool but then kicked him in the face. Stone Cold appeared on the monitor and told Truth to pick on someone his own size, announcing that Truth had a match tonight versus…John Morrison.
Sheamus versus Santino Marella
This had all the trappings of a squash match, until Santino connected on the Cobra and scored a near fall. Immediately after kicking out, though, Sheamus hit the Brogue Kick and followed it up with a new Cloverleaf-like submission maneuver. Santino tapped-out almost immediately. Winner: Sheamus by submission.
Randy Orton came out to the ring. After finding a microphone that worked, Orton said it was good to be back on live TV and on Raw. Orton called out Christian and promised that he only wanted to talk: no RKOs and no punts to the skull. No response. Orton conceded that he would hurt Christian the first chance he gets. Christian then appeared on the monitor, claiming correctly that Orton was born into the WWE and had his entire career handed to him. Christian said he would not come to the ring. Orton said that if Edge was here, he could carry Christian to the ring, as he had done for seventeen years. That struck a nerve, and Christian came to the ring wearing a hideous new shirt that had an obscene yellow electricity switch on it. Halfway down to the ring, Christian paused. Randy came out to meet him but was headed off by security. The anonymous GM intervened and said that the two chair shots to Orton had left him with a concussion and that he
would not be facing anyone tonight, in order to preserve his health for the Sunday pay-per-view. If Randy did not comply, then the Raw GM would strip Orton of the Smackdown title. Interesting. Begrudgingly, Orton retreated. Stone Cold appeared on the monitor and told Christian that he luckily avoided an ass-whoopin’, but he was not going to get off that easily. Christian was going to wrestle, next…against Rey Mysterio.
Booker T joined the broadcast team. Michael Cole wanted to hear all about the 86 that Booker T shot in golf earlier in the day.
Rey Mysterio versus Christian
Rey Mysterio and Christian began with a solid back-and-forth battle. After Rey botched a head scissor throw that should have landed Christian on the second rope but almost strangled him on the bottom rope, Christian followed it up by pushing Mysterio over the top rope and down to the floor after Mysterio tried to jump to the top turnbuckle. After commercial, Christian had Rey in a chinlock and then ended up ramming Rey’s head into the middle turnbuckle. Christian then stomped on Mysterio until the five-count and was disqualified. Christian thought he had stopped in time. Winner: Rey Mysterio by disqualification.
After the match, Christian continued to pummel Rey and then got up on the top rope. Rey joined him and administered a back body drop. Rey was going to do his splash to Christian, but CM Punk came down the aisle, and Rey hit Punk with a cross body press. Rey then turned his attention to Christian and set him up for the 619, but New Nexxus came down to the ring. Instead of bouncing off the ropes, Rey launched a kick into McGillicutty and then clotheslined Otunga off the ring apron. Rey then re-set Christian up for the 619 on the entrance-side of the ring. Mason Ryan, though, caught his legs, rammed his back into the ringpost, and then delivered a backbreaker before throwing him back into the ring. Christian then hit the Kill Switch (I thought it was called the “Unprettier”) on Mysterio.
Backstage, Stone Cold was talking on the phone, when Vicki Guerrero excused herself into his presence. When Stone Cold ignored her, she did her typical scream. Dolph Ziggler was with her, and the two of them wanted a U.S. Championship match for Dolph at Capitol Punishment. Stone Cold, looking square at Ziggler, acknowledged his ability and granted him the match…on the condition that Ziggler drop Vicki as his manager. Vicki protested, but Stone Cold advised Ziggler that Stone Cold knows how to get to the top, that Hall of Fame manager Ted DiBiase couldn’t help Austin when he was the Ringmaster, and that Vicki is not…yet…a Hall of Famer. Austin delivered the ultimatum: do you want the match or not? Vicki said that Ziggler was her guy, while Ziggler hinted that he could do it on his own. So, Ziggler dropped Vicki. Then, in Stone Cold fashion, he said that he was just joking with them and to have a nice day.
R-Truth versus John Morrison
R-Truth came out first, and Morrison never came out, even through two run-throughs of his intro music. Truth, growing ever more impatient, grabbed the microphone and said that, where he’s from, if you act bad, you better be bad. It’s okay to be scared. R-Truth said he was scared of himself. Truth then said that, if Morrison would not come out to him, then he would bring the fight to Morrison. Backstage, R-Truth found John Morrison lying in the corner, clutching his neck and being attended to by a referee. “Shazam!!! Looks like Little Jimmy got Johnny.” R-Truth lamented that all the little Jimmys came to see the match, but now there won’t be a match. At least Morrison could say he got got by the future WWE Champion. Truth then rammed a wheeled container of staging equipment into Morrison’s face. “Take that, Little Jimmy!!!” Match result: No contest.
Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger versus Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston
After a series of high-flying moves by Evan Bourne mid-match, chaos ensued and signaled the beginning of the end. Kofi, from the ring apron, hit the Trouble in Paradise on Swagger, who Evan Bourne hit the Air Bourne on Swagger and scored the pinfall. The slow-motion replays of the Air Bourne were something special to behold. Winners: Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne by pinfall.
Piper began by reminiscing about Wrestlemania II, when he dropped Mr. T on his head in the Nassau Coliseum. The Miz interrupted him and said that his favorite moment in this building will be in four years when they tear it down and replace it with nothing. Hilarious!! Miz said that people call him the next Roddy Piper. Piper interrupted and said there will never be another Piper. Miz then compared credentials with Piper: Miz has been WWE Champion, and Piper not. Miz has won the main event at Wrestlemania, and Piper not. Miz’ episodes of the Real World were also better than Piper’s movie They Live. Alex Riley then came out, and the crowd gave him a big pop. Riley told Piper that he didn’t want things to happen this way. He thought of Miz as a mentor and friend, but Miz was just using him to help keep the WWE Title. After losing the title, Riley then thought why serve the Miz when he can beat him? Piper summarized that Riley gained
self-respect after Miz lost the title. Miz cut off Piper as a hypocrite who made a living belittling and abusing Cowboy Bob Orton. Piper said that Riley is going to beat Miz at Capitol Punishment. Miz asked Piper if he wanted to wager a bet on that. A-Ri then said that Piper could defeat the Miz tonight. The Miz then goaded Piper into a match, putting up $1000 of his own money. Piper mulled it over and said that he was tired of getting his butt kicked. How about $5,000? Stone Cold then appeared on the Titantron and said that it was official, each man would put up $5,000, and special guest referee would be…Alex Riley.
Roddy Piper versus The Miz
Piper attacked Miz from the side while Miz was arguing with A-Ri. Piper applied the sleeper after a thumb to the eye, but Miz fought out of it. Miz tried to pound Piper in the corner, but A-Ri pulled Miz off of Piper. Miz then, out of aggravation, punched A-Ri twice. A-Ri blocked Miz’ third punch and began with a flurry of his own, culminating in a roll-up and three-count by Piper. Winner: Roddy Piper by pinfall.
The Bella Twins and Kelly Kelly will be presenting prize packages on tomorrow’s episode of The Price is Right.
Seven versus Seven Divas Challenge
Kelly Kelly hit a Lou Thesz Press, a mudhole-stomping, an ass-slap, and a Stinkface on Rose Mendes prior to chaos breaking out. Kelly Kelly then scored the pinfall for her gang of seven. Post-match, Eve Torres suggested a WWE Diva tribute to Broadway, since the Tony Awards were held last night in New York City. All seven of the baby face divas did a Rockettes rendition. It was great to see Caitlin, though, even as she struggled to kick those beautiful legs as high as her fellow divas.
RAW recapped last week’s Tough Enough finale. Backstage, Stone Cold and Andy Leavine enjoyed a beer, when CM Punk arrived. Stone Cold asked Punk if he wanted a beer. What? (Punk is straight-edge, remember?) Do you want a beer? What? Stone Cold got annoyed and asked Punk what he wanted. Punk quipped that the “What” was really annoying, right (obviously blaming 2001 Stone Cold for the creation of “WHAT!?”) Punk wanted to administer a breathalyzer to Stone Cold, since he was drinking and running the show. Can Stone Cold say the alphabet backwards? Stone Cold replied that he can whip Punk’s ass backward. Punk then thanked Stone Cold for giving him the match with John Cena because it has set in motion events that will change the WWE forever. Stone Cold said that New Nexxus was not allowed at ringside, and Punk replied that that was fine because he can do it himself. Stone Cold then, with a nostalgic look in his eye, said he was
heading to the ring to make an announcement; so he’ll see Punk later.
After commercial, Stone Cold came out on his ATV and rode a few laps around the ring prior to parking and entering the squared circle. After giving props to Nassau Coliseum and waxing nostalgic, the anonymous GM’s e-mail alert sounded. A petrified Michael Cole humbly asked if he could read the message as Stone Cold just glared at him before stating that he was getting sick and tired of the “anonymous” GM interrupting his show. The anonymous GM announced that he would be back next week on RAW. Stone Cold then made an announcement for next week’s RAW. RAW will be another three-hour show, with all matches made by the people and match stipulations made by the people. The GM’s e-mail notification sounded repeatedly, leading Stone Cold to knocking the podium over and throwing the lap top on the floor of the entrance ramp. Stone Cold then cracked two beers open and dumped them on the lap-top. Stone Cold then ran over the lap-top with his ATV
as he left the ring area. He then backed over it and ran it over again. Stone Cold then ran into the ring and had his professional beer thrower throw him some beers.
Lawler and Booker T then talked about their weird Presidential press conference dreams and led into a Smackdown superstar press conference with President Obama. Christian had a good question to start it, but the rest of the promo was not nearly as good as R-Truth’s promo from RAW.
John Cena versus CM Punk
The crowd was ssssooooo into this match. Was it me, or were the fans chanting “CM PUNK, CM PUNK.” Then, the alternating chants of “Let’s go Cena / Cena Sucks!” started. In the early going, the two men measured each other and executed some basic moves, until Punk attempted the GTS. Cena got out of it and lifted Punk for the Attitude Adjustment. After dropping Cena’s midsection onto the top rope, Punk stomped on him a couple of times and sent him to the floor. Keeping with the 1980s theme of the night, Punk then got Cena into an abdominal stretch, but he was not able to wrap his toe around Cena’s calf, thus limiting its effectiveness. Punk then launched a body press over the top rope and into Cena who was down on the floor. Punk then climbed the turnbuckle and hit a double axe-handle on Cena by the barricade. Punk then scored a near fall and then body-scissored Cena. Punk held the move for a while until Cena broke free and went
directly for the STF, but Punk was within reach of the ropes. Punk then delivered a series of knees to Cena’s mid-section, whipped him chest-first into the corner, and then hit him with several cross-faces while Cena was resting against the ropes. Punk was firmly in control, whipping Cena into the corner and following with the knee to Cena’s head. Cena managed to stem the momentum by slamming Punk when Punk attempted a running bulldog. Cena attempted one of his shoulder blocks, but Punk ducked, and Cena went careening out of the ring. The referee began his ten-count, but Cena made it into the ring by the seven-count. Punk scored a near fall. Punk, measuring Cena, climbed the top rope and attempted a shoulder block, but Cena avoided it, causing Punk to absorb the impact of the fall. Cena then did his two shoulder blocks and slam. At this point, R-Truth was in the crowd waving hi to all of the little Jimmys. A little white Jimmy responded
“hi.“ Truth then offered to trade a young boy the Cena hat for a biiiig sip of water. Cena, from center-ring, warned little Jimmy not to make the trade. Truth took a big swig of water and pretended as if he was going to spit it on Little Jimmy, but he just took the Cena hat instead. At this point, CM Punk took advantage and hit the GTS on Cena, securing the pinfall. Winner: CM Punk by pinfall.
After the match, Truth then hit Cena in the head with a 500-ml bottle of water and then hit Cena with his anti-Rock Bottom finishing move. Truth then went to the timekeeper’s table and retrieved the WWE Championship. Truth then stood over Cena with the belt and said that he was going to beat him this Sunday for the title…And THAT’s…the truth. Truth then posed with the WWE Championship and taunted the crowd. And the credits began to roll.
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