- Brodus Clay defeated David Otunga by countout on the Pre-Show.
- Sheamus (c) defeated Dolph Ziggler (with Vickie Guerrero) (Heabyweight title match).
- Santino Marella defeated Ricardo Rodriguez in a Tuxedo match.
- Christian (c) defeated Cody Rhodes (IC title match).
- Prime Time Players (Titus O’Neil and Darren Young) defeated Primo and Epico, The Usos (Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso) and Tyson Kidd & Justin Gabriel, for the WWE Tag Team Championship contender spot.
- Layla (c) defeated Beth Phoenix (Divas Championship match).
- Sin Cara defeated Hunico.
- CM Punk (c) defeated Kane and Daniel Bryan (WWE Championship match).
- Ryback defeated Dan Delaney and Rob Grymes.
- John Cena defeated Big Show (Johnny was fired).
- Former TNA star Amazing Red was backstage at the PPV. He had a tryout earlier in the day, but no word on if he impressed the company.
- After the show went off the air, John Cena celebrated some more before headed to the back, and John Laurinaitis walked backstage with help from referee Scott Armstrong.
- Run DMC rap legend Darryl McDaniels was in attendance with his family.
- According to live fan reports attendance at the IZOD Center in New Jersey was sparse, with empty seats dotted in all sections, including front row.
WORLD HEAVYYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: DOLPH ZIGGLER (W/ VICKIE GUERRERO) VS. SHEAMUS (CHAMPION)
Kicking right off with the World Heavyweight Championship, Sheamus comes down to the ring in a fetching red outfit, which is a nice change at least. For once, Vickie Guerrero doesn’t screech at us when introducing Dolph Ziggler, probably because this is a title match and we have to have the ‘boxing’ style introductions in the ring. We get a re-cap of Ziggler earning his title shot in the fatal four way elimination match (that somehow The Great Khali managed to infiltrate). Ziggler entertains us with some one-handed press-ups before the bell rings, and hopefully we ought to be in for a good contest here. Ziggler confers with Guerrero, getting a good luck kiss (ewww) before Sheamus careers at him and tries the Brogue Kick, to try and grab a quick victory like he did at Wrestlemania! Ziggler scurries away however, and regains himself outside the ring before locking up with the champion. Sheamus establishes the early power advantage, which causes Vickie to generally wreck our ear-drums again as she ‘encourages’ Ziggler from the outside. Ziggler gets back into the match after a great drop-kick off the ropes, but is soon brought to the ground after a shoulder charge from Sheamus. Ziggler slaps on a sleeper hold, but moves Ziggler onto the top rope, where he pushes him off, causing him to fall to the outside. Sheamus goes for the first pinfall of the match, getting a two count. Ziggler assaults Sheamus in the corner, breaking his attack off before the referee disqualifies him. Ziggler climbs the turnbuckle, before Sheamus grabs him and looks for a powerslam. Ziggler wriggles out and is met with a huge elbow out of the corner. Sheamus has Ziggler on the ring apron now, grabbing his hair. Ziggler avoids having his head rammed into the turnbuckle by pulling the champion arm first into the ring post. Ziggler goes for a DDT and gets a close fall, before choking Sheamus out on the ropes. Again Ziggler pressures him in the corner, trying to wear the Irishman down. Ziggler slaps on a submission move to take the fight out of the bigger man, extending his legs high into the air as he applies more pressure, living up to his nickname of ‘the show off’. Ziggler has the right idea here, grounding Sheamus and preventing him from using his big power moves. Sheamus is slowly getting to his feet now, and hoists Ziggler up, before Sheamus is driven headfirst into the mat after a vicious DDT from Ziggler, which he gets a two count off. Ziggler seems to be getting a little frustrated here, as Sheamus still fights back, only to get levelled with another drop-kick. It’s right back into a nice submission from the challenger, wrapping his legs around Sheamus to really latch on. Sheamus once more gets to his feet though, and headbutts Ziggler, before being shoved into the corner and into a roll-up pin, which he gets a two count off by grabbing the ropes. Sheamus gets a roll up of his own, but can’t put Ziggler away. Dolph is measuring Sheamus up now, and I thought he was going for the sleeper hold again, but clambers onto his back in another wear-down move. Sheamus, equal to all of these submission moves, clobbers Ziggler with double axe-handles, before he goes for the Brogue Kick. He misses, and Ziggler hooks in another sleeper. Sheamus casts him off, before Ziggler ascends the ropes once more. He gets caught in an Irish Curse backbreaker attempt, but again Ziggler gets out of it. Ziggler nails his leg drop to the back of the head, but the three count eludes him. Both men are fatigued now, and take their time getting to their feet. Ziggler is getting a fair amount of the crowd behind him, which quickly get overshadowed by the Sheamus chants. Sheamus pulls himself up onto the ropes, but Ziggler clambers up after him, and delivers a punishing face buster off the top rope! Sheamus kicks out on two, and Ziggler can’t believe it – he’s also in pain from his leg as well. No mention of Booker T’s ‘fave five’ yet – has that been dropped? Ziggler runs at Sheamus and tries for another sleeper hold, but this time Sheamus hits the Irish Curse backbreaker. Sheamus batters Ziggler against the ropes several times, before dragging him in the ring, but Ziggler kicks him in the chest and leaps onto his back again! This time, Sheamus hoists him into position for the White Noise, and dumps Ziggler to the mat. He signals for the Brogue Kick, and practically beheads Ziggler before pinning him to retain the World Heavyweight title!
WINNER BY PINFALL: SHEAMUS (TITLE RETAINED)
A good effort from the plucky challenger, but a powerful late salvo of moves helps Sheamus keep the gold. You can bet your bottom dollar that Del Rio will be back soon enough however, and wanting his own title shot. Well done, Sheamus – you can go and grab a shower now, you certainly need one.
Backstage, we see Mr. McMahon wandering around backstage, with Big Johnny in hot pursuit, in a frankly horrible red suit. He tells Vinnie Mac not to go ringside tonight for health reasons, and also wants to ensure their business relationship gets stronger. Vince has been a legend since he came back – in this skit, he only has to grunt once and he’s stolen the scene. Work experience lad Josh Mathews seizes upon Big Johnny and tries to get an interview, but Johnny’s not in the mood. Yeah, Josh! Leave the man alone, for God’s sake.
TUXEDO MATCH: SANTINO MARELLA VS. RICARDO RODRIGUEZ
Ooh, we’ve not seen one of these for a while! Not quite sure why this is being given pay-per-view status, but there you go. Santino enters first, with a crap suit that looks like he’s stolen from an extra in ‘Miami Vice’. We get a recap on how this match came about, with Rodriguez generally not doing much in a tag match where he teamed with Beth Phoenix, and Santino had Layla as his partner. I guess it’s a bit of fun, but you have to feel for Ricardo – he doesn’t half have to put up with some shit. Ricardo enters in his traditional suit, and I have to say his music is amazing – sort of rinky-dinky Mexican children’s television, if such a thing can be imagined. Santino offers to start with a hand-shake, but then saunters about gestering to the fans. It’s obvious Santino has more of the fan support here in the early going. Even referee Charles Robinson looks bored with this one – poor man. Santino has his suit jacket ripped, and then tears a strip off Ricardo’s. Santino slaps Ricardo, telling him “this is my favourite tuxedo”. Santino gets rid of Ricardo’s suit jacket, using it like a matador to lure Ricardo into charging him. Ricardo ends up falling out the ring when Santino moves at the last minute. Inevitably, the “Si! Si! Si!” chants begin, and Ricardo is downed by a drop toe-hold and loses both his shoes. The crowd pipe up with a rather loud ‘BORING’ chant, which is quite amusing, and Santino pulls Ricardo’s shirt off. He’s also getting slammed about more now, and Santino pulls on his Cobra sleeve, but Ricardo grabs it off him and throws it away. Santino has his trousers pulled off, before his shoes and socks go. This is getting rather uncomfortable now. Santino reveals he has a long Cobra sock on, and flips to his feet and kicks Ricardo in the chest before pulling his trousers off and winning the match. After his Justin Bieber t-shirt horror the other day, Ricardo is now shown to have Alberto Del Rio pants on, which Santino finds rather disturbing, at least. Weird, just weird.
WINNER: SANTINO MARELLA
Backstage again, CM Punk is being interviewed by Matt Striker. He states the obvious by summing up the match he has tonight and who is in the match. Matt asks the question we’re all (not) asking: ‘what’s the deal with CM Punk and AJ?’ – you’ll be pleased to know CM Punk isn’t going out with her, but ‘I dig crazy chicks’. I really don’t see any point with AJ, she’s really quite irritating. Like having an itchy arse when you can’t scratch it. Matt invites her to comment on interrupting their interview, but she sort of scowls and he gives up and wanders off. Jesus wept.
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: CODY RHODES VS. CHRISTIAN (CHAMPION)
Loving Cody’s long robe, which looks rather heavy. I think he’s trying to emulate Edge’s long jacket look, but doesn’t sort of carry it off. He’s up against ‘Captain Charisma’ Christian, who inexplicably has yet another title on him, despite being an infinitely better tag-wrestler than a singles competitor. OK, his series with Randy Orton was good last year, but I really don’t see the sense in carrying on with him much longer. Cody eyes Christian up menacingly, and the two lock up ferociously, with Cody taking the early advantage. Cody, not one for sportsmanship, kicks Christian in the guts before Christian retaliates with some shoulder blocks and gearing the crowd up with a hand-clap. Cody seems to laugh mockingly, before he gets shoved to the mat, and Cody tries to suplex Christian out the ring. He reverses, however and charges into Cody’s midriff, before hitting a baseball slide. Cody grabs his leg on the ring apron and pulls him to the floor. Back in the ring, he pulls Christian’s arm down onto the ropes and gets a two count off the pin. He drives his knee into his arm, working it. Another pin sees another two count, before Booker T gives Cody some praise after he got beaten by the challenger. Christian pulls Cody down and looks to pull him groin first into the ring post, but Cody pulls back, driving Christian into the post instead. Cody hits an inverted suplex and gets another two count, which is becoming popular. Cody continues the assault in the corner, before continuing to work on the arm of Christian, attempting to make him submit. Christian, trapped on the top rope, goes for a DDT, but Cody pushes him off, hitting his arm on the apron. Christian reverses Cody trying to ram him into the steel steps, before Christian hits a huge DDT on the outside of the ring, but he’s further injured his arm. Both men are down on the outside now, and the referee is on a seven count. Cody just makes it back in, but is met with a right hand from Christian, before he goes up to the second rope for a missile drop-kick for another two count. Christian waits for Cody to get up, before dropping him onto the second rope. Christian slingshots him off the ropes and is back up to the top, hitting a cross body block, which Cody rolls over and gets a close fall from. Cody goes to the second rope this time but is caught by Christian, who hits a big hurricanrana on the challenger, which Cody kicks out of. Both men exchange punches, before Cody goes back to Christian’s shoulder. Cody hits a low blow before hitting an Alabama Slam, which he can’t convert into a three-count. Cody then tries to finish Christian with the Kill Switch, but Christian reverses and hits a reverse-DDT. He looks to go for the Spear, but Cody escapes from the ring. After reversing a sunset flip pin, Christian finally nails the Kill Switch, but Cody kicks out! Christian is up on the top rope, but Cody goes up with him. Christian launches himself off the ropes, but Cody gets the knees up. Cody tries for the Disaster Kick off the ropes, but Christian avoids it and hits a big Spear to pin Cody for the win!
WINNER BY PINFALL: CHRISTIAN (TITLE RETAINED)
Well done, Chris. We get told by the deep-voiced voiceover man not to even think about think about trying this sort of thing at home, that’s if you can find a spare steel cage anywhere to mimic tonight’s main event. We get a nice night time shot of the Metlife Stadium, which I imagine is nearby.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP FATAL FOUR WAY NO.1 CONTENDER MATCH: PRIME TIME PLAYERS (TITUS O’NEIL & DARREN YOUNG) VS. PRIMO & EPICO (W/ A.W. & ROSA MENDES) VS. THE USO’S (JIMMY & JEY) VS. TYSON KIDD & JUSTIN GABRIEL
Great – not even a tag title match! Instead we get four so-so tag teams in a match for a title opportunity. I guess the only saving grace is we get to see four relatively young teams having a go at each other. I quite fancy Titus and Darren for this one, they seem to be the team the company wants to push the most. The Uso’s regale us with a noisy chanted entrance, which looks rather scary. Is this going to be one of those confusing tag matches where anyone can tag anyone else, even if they’re not on their team? I hate them. Titus and one of the Uso’s start off, but Darren Young is tagged in quickly. Jimmy Uso comes in and they’re dominating proceedings so far. Epico tags himself in and Jimmy gets a two count. Once again the Uso’s are in and double teaming, with Justin Gabriel in now, showing off their acrobatics. I’m really not sure what is going on with Justin’s hair, he looks a bit like a flamingo. I never really rated the Uso’s as a team, but they seem to be coming along quite well. Titus O’Neil enters and pins Justin for a two count. He slams Justin down with ease, and then suplexes his tag partner down for another close pin-fall. Darren Young is in now, hurling Justin onto the ropes and going for another quick pin. Tyson Kidd hasn’t really been given the chance to get into the match yet, but may do shortly as Justin fights out, landing a big rolling kick, before Epico tags in and does his worst. Sorry, I got distracted then by a bag of sweets getting thrown in my direction. Double-teaming now from Primo and Epico, with Primo entering the match and working on Justin, who is in rather a bad way. Primo goes for a nice somersault move off the ropes, but misses, and Justin crawls back towards Kidd to tag him in. He does, who delivers a drop-kick off the ropes before trying for a pin-fall. He crashes down on Primo’s head with a leg drop, before nailing a huge aeriel move, which is broken up by Epico – control is starting to get lost a little here. Primo looks to have it won with a Backstabber, but Titus O’Neil breaks the pin up. The Uso’s come in and clear house, before taking out most of the opposition outside the ring with a dual leaping cross-body. Tyson gets floored by Primo, who is the legal man, but Tyson Kidd hits a hurricanrana on Primo onto everyone else outside of the ring, causing a ‘HOLY SHIT!’ chant to go up around the crowd. Michael Cole keeps telling us Darren Young is the legal man, and tosses Primo into the ring with him. Young hits a big gorilla press gutbuster on Primo, and covers Primo for the win, as A.W. pulls Epico out the ring as he tries to break up the pin. Epico and Primo aren’t best pleased with this, as A.W. looks to have aligned himself with O’Neil and Young. A.W. gets his ass kicked, and his new protégés intervene to send Primo and Epico to the outside. Nice win, chaps.
WINNERS BY PINFALL: THE PRIME TIME PLAYERS
Well that’ll all end in tears, you mark my words. Rosa Mendes is crying at the side of the ring, tending to her team, as A.W. high fives and generally lays skin on his new clients. Time for an Alberto Del Rio promo! It’s an advert for the Money In The Bank pay-per-view next month, of course, featuring Ricardo Rodriguez giving Del Rio a foot rub. See what I mean about him getting all the shit? Michael Cole recites the general bad vibes going down since Triple H got done over by Brock Lesnar, and Paul Heyman’s return where he slapped Trips with a lawsuit.
All hail Triple H! He’s back and undoubtedly in a bad mood about all this. Of course, it’s probably the first seeds for a Lesnar vs. HHH match at Summerslam, but hey. Nice tie, Trips. He’s suited and booted, so no in-ring action for him this evening. Cole tells us that two of the greatest matches ever happened at No Way Out – the Hell in a Cell match between HHH and Cactus Jack, and the Three Stages of Hell match against Stone Cold. What do we have now? Tuxedo matches between Santino and someone who isn’t even a wrestler. But you have to take the rough with the smooth. He tells us he’s spent over half his life in the ring (which, in the wrong context, sounds like the man who fell asleep after “spending forty years at the wheel”.) He tells us he never wanted a real job, but now has a ‘real job’ at the offices of WWE. He almost sounds ungrateful. He says that instead of being an office man, he’s an ass-kicker. Triple H tells us that Brock Lesnar is an ass-kicker too, but he also jumped him from behind and his arm is a lot better, thank you very much. He eludes to all this in a slightly airy-fairy manner, coming eventually to what we’d suspected all along and basically books himself against Lesnar for Summerslam. Yay! Perhaps they’ll indulge Brock and put them inside a UFC cage? I doubt that. He then basically goads Brock by saying he can remain a quitter if he wants, either way suits him. Well that’ll be something to look forward to. Especially if they make it no holds barred or a Hell in a Cell match.
Ah, we’re back with AJ backstage with Daniel Bryan – she’s hanging about basically being a general annoyance. Daniel doesn’t really care much, however.
WWE DIVA’S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: BETH PHOENIX VS. LAYLA (CHAMPION)
How do you top Triple H’s announcement just then? With a Diva’s match, of course! And the Spanish commentators banging about John Cena. Right, I might go for a wee – Layla wins this one, by the way. I spent the duration of this match trying to work out who someone I added on Facebook was some time ago.
WINNER BY PINFALL: LAYLA (TITLE RETAINED)
Ewwww, horrid moment backstage where Kane gets off with AJ in a boiler room. Creepy ain’t the word.
SIN CARA VS. HUNICO (W/ CAMACHO)
Accompanied by his buddy Camacho, Hunico enters on his reliable bicycle. Sin Cara has a lovely red outfit on tonight, and for a glimpsing second I thought we might actually get a Sin Cara match without the weird red and blue lights. But no. Perhaps Sin Cara is allergic to any form of bright lights? Hunico is at least quelling Sin Cara’s high flying moves early on here, even hitting a flipping senton over the ring ropes. An upset could be on the cards here, but I can’t really see it happening. Most of Camacho’s offence so far has resulted in him throwing Sin Cara to the turnbuckles, but he does include a rather nice swinging drop-kick from the ring apron. You may remember Hunico was the ‘imposter’ Sin Cara that had the match with him some time ago, which was hyped up by WWE but which nobody really cared about when it came to it. Hunico now has a submission move in, and Sin Cara is caught in a whirling backbreaker before trying a pin. The crowd seem fairly subdued at the moment, which the commentators try and fill in with generic comments like ‘high speed offense’ etc. I’m amazed that during the whole of tonight, Michael Cole hasn’t referred to anyone as ‘vintage’. But that will come, I bet it will, in the next match. A little slow, this one – Sin Cara hasn’t been given the chance to spread his wings yet. Why book him in a match if he’s not going to flip and jump about a lot? It’d be like booking Big Show in a match where you can only win by doing a swanton bomb off the top rope. It’d never happen. Out of nowhere, Sin Cara wins the match with that weird spinning DDT move he does. I can’t really see the point of this match, which hasn’t really added anything to the pay-per-view. In fact, the entire card hasn’t really been amazing this year.
WINNER BY PINFALL: SIN CARA
Jerry Lawler tells us he was in Times Square at 2am the other night – doing what?? I hope he wasn’t out drinking dirty beer. We get a reel telling you all you need to know about the triple threat match up next, including what part AJ will play in distracting one, two or all of the competitors. I hope she ends up getting choke-slammed by Kane. That’d be highly amusing. You could almost make the build-up to this match into some bizarre wrestling-themed porno featuring a four way of a completely different nature, with Punk, Bryan and Kane all having their wicked way with her. Wasn’t there a movie done like that once, where all the male porn-stars dressed up like wrestlers from the past like Hulk Hogan? That’d be hideous. And funny.
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP TRIPLE THREAT MATCH: KANE VS. DANIEL BRYAN VS. CM PUNK (CHAMPION)
Nice entrance from Kane, who gets the arena blacked-out, like Undertaker used to when his entrance was about to hit. Daniel Bryan now has a leather jacket with ‘YES’ all over it, so he looks like some form of dinky Hell’s Angel. Kane goes after Punk and Bryan, attacking them both to try and get the match over early. He tries to get a double-chokeslam on them, but Punk and Bryan deliver a volley of kicks to the bigger man to take him down and get him out the match. With Kane temporarily down, Punk and Bryan face off, and exchange punches and chops, before Punk sends Bryan over the top rope to the outside. He goes to dive onto Bryan but Kane catches him with a clothesline and gets a two count from the resulting pin. Kane too is sent to the outside, as Bryan dives out onto Kane, leaving Punk in the ring. He then hoists himself up on the ropes and dives onto both men, before posing with the crowd atop the guard rail. Bryan is rolled into the ring, and Punk goes after Bryan with a chin-lock. Punk is thrown against the ropes, and is dragged out by Kane who slams him into the security barrier. Kane hits Bryan with an uppercut as he jumps off the ring apron, and Kane rams Punk into the ring post twice, before he’s stretched out against the post. Kane plants a big boot into his face, before continuing the assault in the ring. He gets a two count on Punk, and he’s established his rhythm now. Bryan has been out of this for a while, not quite sure where he is. Kane lands a ground drop-kick to Punk and hooks on a submission move, wrapping his legs around his midriff. Punk fights out with some elbows, but Kane is right back at him, but eats a boot as he rushes Punk in the corner. Bryan, exploding back into the match, dropkicks Punk in the corner, before being dropped with a Sidewalk Slam by Kane. Kane turns his attention to Bryan, who drops the big man to the turnbuckle and kicks him in the face. Bryan and Punk back at it now, with Bryan taking the upper hand. Bryan lands a nice body suplex, and heads to the top rope. Punk catches him, and delivers some forearms, before going for a superplex. Kane intervenes, throws Punk off and slaps Bryan in the throat. Punk yanks Kane off the ropes, and both men are fighting each other to cause pain to Bryan now. Punk and Kane eventually have it out in the ring, and Bryan delivers a double drop-kick to both men from the top rope. Bryan unleashes a volley of kicks to the champion and his fellow challenger, before nearly knocking Kane out with a roundhouse kick. He goes to do the same to Punk, but he rolls Bryan up for a two count. Punk delivers a running knee to both Kane and Bryan in opposite corners, before firing up and getting a two on Kane after a neckbreaker. Bryan is power-slammed by Punk, but no man has established a definite advantage in this match. Punk is the only one who hasn’t been down and out for any long period of time, and heads to the top rope where Bryan goes for a superplex, but Kane gets Bryan on his shoulders, before Punk clotheslines him off from the top rope. A two count comes from the resulting pin, and Kane ends up outside the ring. Punk lines up for his Randy Savage elbow drop, and hits it with authority. He’s slow in pinning Bryan however, and he kicks out. Punk is looking for the GTS, to put the match away, but Kane is back in and kicks Punk in the face, covering the champion for a near fall. Kane drives Punk back into the turnbuckle, and follows up with a big clothesline, before Punk reverses and knocks the big man down with a roundhouse kick. He misses his elbow drop on Kane from the top however, and Bryan manages to land a high flying headbutt from the top rope for a two count on Punk. Kane is sent sprawling to the outside after being knocked off the apron by Bryan, who is alone in the ring now with a prone Punk. Punk rolls up the challenger for a close two count, but Bryan applies the Yes! Lock, and Punk might tap out here! Kane is nowhere to be seen, and Punk tries his trick from their previous match where he shifted his weight and got the pin…but he can’t get it. Punk delivers a thunderous GTS to Bryan, but Kane breaks up the pin. Kane levels Punk with a top rope clothesline, and signals for a chokeslam. Punk reverses it into a DDT and gets a two count. Incensed, Punk again goes top rope and hits his second high flying elbow of the night, but only gets another two count. Punk fires himself up for a GTS on Kane but can’t lift him. This time, Kane hits the chokeslam, but Punk kicks out of the pin attempt. Kane is mightily pissed off, and stalks the referee, not able to believe he didn’t win. Kane looks to finish Punk off, and goes for a Tombstone Piledriver, but Punk wriggles out and shoves Kane into AJ, who has come to ringside and climbed up on the ring apron. Punk grabs a staggering Kane, hoists him up and hits the GTS to pin the biggest man in the match to retain his championship!
WINNER BY PINFALL: CM PUNK (TITLE RETAINED)
Aww, diddums. AJ lies on the rampway where she fell down, with Kane stood over her. He grabs her and walks off with her in his arms. I’m wondering what has happened to Daniel Bryan, he seemed to disappear for about the last five minutes of that match. As Kane walks off with AJ in his arms, she looks back towards the ring and smiles, indicating that there’s more to come in this weird storyline. Cue a trailer for the new, improved, three hour Monday Night Raw. It’s not really three hours though, is it? There’s about 1.5hrs of adverts.
HANDICAP MATCH: RYBACK VS. DAN DELANEY & ROB GRYMES
My brother-in-law Paul LOVES Ryback. Loves him. In fact, I think he idolises him and wants to be just like him. Right down to the fact he exclusively wrestles in handicap matches against complete no mark jobbers. Because Ryback only faces people you’ve never heard of now, and only faces them in pairs, I am now referring to these matches as ‘handi-crap’ matches. Let’s hear what Delaney and Grymes have to say: hmm, I’m not sure what they’re really doing – they sing along to an ancient jingle for ‘Wrestlemania’, before Ryback enters to take care of business. Apparently, Ryback reminds my other brother-in-law Dan of his friend Ryan Corlett. Let’s see if this one can get finished in under two minutes. It’s not looking good – Grymes gets lifted about nine feet in the air before being planted to the mat. Delaney gets the same treatment, and Ryback even goes to the second rope before delivering some strange falling body splash. Already, he’s looking for the finisher, which he does to both men and pins both of them, while telling us to “feed him THREE!” Feed him three? Feed him someone we’ve heard of, more like. Nice one, Goldberg.
WINNER BY PINFALL: RYBACK (DID YOU REALLY EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE?)
We get shown a trailer for Summerslam 2012, which is odd as it’s not even on until after Money In The Bank. The commentators tell us about the hoped-for Brock vs. Triple H match as the cage comes down, and we’re ready for our main event, that, in line with the worrying trend WWE have gone for recently, has overshadowed both the World Heavyweight and WWE Championship matches. Cue the usual build-up to the match, including highlights of Vince telling us that “I have two words synonymous with me as well”, which you can just tell he LOVED saying. It’s worth mentioning that this build-up features the music from the ‘WWE 12’ video game. Really.
STEEL CAGE MATCH: BIG SHOW (W/ JOHN LAURINAITIS) VS. JOHN CENA (W/ MR. MCMAHON)
Well, I wonder if this will be the sort of cage match where you have to pin the other man, or can just wander out the cage door willy-nilly? I hate those sort, the cage should be made to contain the two people, not let one of them bugger off out of the match the easy way. Remember, in this one, if Cena loses, he’s fired, but if Show loses, then Big Johnny is fired! Laurinaitis enters first, his garish suit and all, still on his crutch. Big Show follows after, and it made me wonder what size T-shirt he takes. I have an XL, so I hate to think what he has to wear. I hope Big Johnny and Vince have a scrap outside the ring, I really do. Vince enters and gives Big Show the finger as he comes to ringside, then goes to offer his hand to Big Johnny, before snatching it away and blanking him. Both men take their seats at ringside, so we can experience the entrance of the WWE poster-boy in full HD. Whatever. A fast start to the match by Cena is stopped by Show who grabs him by the throat. Show slams Cena headfirst into the cage wall, and already Cena is in a bad way. In fact, he’s not been down this fast since Brock Lesnar cut his head open a couple of months back. Big Show could win this one now if he wanted, he could just walk out the ring seeing as Cena is down, but that wouldn’t be very satisfactory. Cena is trapped between the cage and the ropes, and Big Show goes for the knockout punch but Cena avoids it and Show punches the cage wall. Cena tries to escape, but Show pulls him down and goes back on the offence. Cena once more tries to scarper to the cage door, but again Show catches him. Show takes some time out to berate the crowd, before going back to battering Cena again. Vince and Big Johnny are behaving themselves for now, sat at ringside like two OAPs in a residential home. Once more Cena is launched by his face into the cage. Show has firmly established a rhythm here, but we’ve seen from previous matches that will perhaps mean a reverse in fortune around the ten minute mark for Cena where he’ll fight back and land an unfeasible Attitude Adjustment and pin Show. That’s my prediction. Cena is crawling about like a dying slug at the moment, and Show demonstrates his superiority by grinding Cena’s head into the mat right near the cage door. Cena gets his legs up as Show rushes him in the corner, and then very nearly hurls himself out the cage over the top, before Show clambers up the ropes and pulls him down, so both men are on the ropes, but Show falls down and lands groin first, straddling the ropes. Show has recovered just as Cena tries to climb out again. Show sort of powerbombs Cena into the cage and then drops him face first before pinning him, and gets a two count. Show sets Cena up near the turnbuckles, and launches himself onto him with his full weight, but Cena is able to kick out. Still Vince and Johnny sit serenely at ringside, with not so much as a wise remark from Vince about his suit. Show is up on the top rope now, and grabs Cena by the throat, before throwing him to the floor. Show stands atop the turnbuckle and walks along the ropes, supported by the cage, before hurling himself at Cena…and missing an elbow drop. I thought the ring was going to break again then. Cena and Show pull themselves up, with Show right near the door. Cena throws himself after him, and tries to pull Show back into the ring. My wife shouts at Cena to give him a wedgie – that’d work. Cena is pushing against the turnbuckle to try and hold Show back now, and is back on his feet to haul his opponent back in. Cena then jumps over Show and tries to escape the cage, but Show catches him. Cena levels Show with a big shoulder charge, but both men are now down, with Cena crawling over to cover Show for a two count. Once more Cena is crawling for the door, and Johnny runs over to slam the cage shut. Vince grabs Johnny and throws him to the security rail, but manages to slam Vince’s head into the cage door which swings back and connects with Cena’s head. Show manages to chokeslam Cena but can’t get the three count. Much activity happens in a quick period, where Show hits the referee inadvertently with the knockout punch, then trashes Cena, laying him out as well. Show wanders about, not really knowing what to do, but then Brodus Clay comes down to ringside armed with a chair, taunting Show to win the match, but get his ass kicked by the Funkasaurus! Show hesitates, and while doing so, Santino Marella and Alex Riley come running to the ring, but Show pushes them off. Zack Ryder tries his luck, but is pushed off too. Kofi Kingston runs down as Show climbs the cage, and sits on top of the cage, raining boots down on the giant, sending him crashing back to the mat! Cena has rolled over to the corner, and this has suddenly become a sort of lumberjack match for John Cena, as the locker room do their damndest to keep Show inside the cage. Cena reaches the door, but Show grabs his legs and keeps him inside. Cena digs really deep and hits the Attitude Adjustment on Show, and clambers over to cover Show – he gets more than a three count, but the referee is still down from when Show punched him. Brodus Clay is still guarding the cage door. Cena is climbing the cage wall while Show tries to exit the cage door. Both men are nearly out, and Brodus restrains Laurinaitis, who had been trying to hit Cena with his crutch. Just as Show looks like he might escape the cafe, Cena drops to the floor and takes the win!
WINNER BY ESCAPING THE CAGE: JOHN CENA
After the match, in true crowd-pleasing fashion, Cena grabs Laurinaitis in the Attitude Adjustment, while Vince grabs a microphone and approaches him. “JOHN LAURINAITIS…YOU’RE…FIRRRRRRREDDDDDDDDDD!!!” comes the shout, and with that, Cena dumps the former GM of Raw and Smackdown through the Spanish announcer’s desk. Nice work from Vince there, good to see him back, even if it was siding with the good guys. Ah well, you can’t have it all. So, a fairly decent cage match at the end, but overall I can’t say this was the most enthralling pay-per-view I’ve ever seen. We can be assured of some surprises next month however at the Money in the Bank event, where we’ll crown some new No.1 contenders for the World Heavyweight and WWE Championships. See you next time, everyone.
Category: TV and PPV, Wrestling News |