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The Heel Report – Week 21

As a fan I have always been naturally drawn to cheering for heels and booing faces, now maybe I have the WWE backwards but it just seems to me that heels are far more entertaining to watch, so I have decided to showcase the heels of the WWE in all their cheating and underhanded glory with this weekly heel report.

This week’s top ten:

1st Place: C.M. Punk

Once again escaping the grasp of the aging single mother of the undead, the Straight-Edge champion is rolling in to Hell in a Cell. The question now is if he can keep up his momentum and actually defeat the Undertaker in his speciality match. If Punk can he might be on his way to securing himself a main event spot for the next few years, if not then we’ll just have to see how far he falls. (10/10 points)

2nd Place: Randy Orton

A good week for the Legend Killer. He didn’t have much to say in the contract signing but an RKO to Mark Henry guarantees the Viper a massive advantage one week before Hell in a Cell. Letting Legacy step out of his shadow and letting go of his WWE title doesn’t seem to have hurt his heel status one bit as he still manages to claim nine points on the chart. (9/10 points)

3rd Place: Ted DiBiase

Stepping up to the plate, and with a chair in hand, Ted makes a massive statement and takes his Game to the next level this week. Can he keep this momentum up next week, we’ll just have to wait and see. All I know is this feud with DX has turned from being just another way to bury these future stars into the storyline that might just launch their careers. (8/10 points)

4th Place: Chris Jericho

Despite another week of multiple appearances Jericho only comes in fourth after being left laying by the Animal for a second week in a row. It’s interesting to see pairings between singles superstars but the tag title situation just shows exactly how dead the tag division is in the WWE. A team like Batista and Rey can just pop into the title picture, but where is the Hart Dynasty? (7/10 points)

5th Place: Big Show

Little mic time but a big presence lands the giant in fifth place. Being unable to stop the momentum of the Animal brings Show’s position down even lower and I’m beginning to wonder if the big man will ever have a truly dominant victory as a heel. (6/10 points)

6th Place: Cody Rhodes

The third member of Legacy on the chart, falling behind his other two comrades due to a lack of chair wielding, despite being in action this week. Will Cody be taking a backseat now that DiBiase’s DVD will be coming out soon? Only time will tell. (5/10 points)

7th Place: William Regal

The distinguished English gent stays in the chart for another week and is already back in the ECW title picture. It was nice to let someone else have a shot at the belt, but now I’m thinking that the third time might be the charm for the 2008 King of the Ring. (4/10 points)

8th Place: The Miz

A good win over Bourne but a pointless attempt at stealing back the US title gives the Miz the profile enough to be at eighth place on the chart. Hopefully he will get another shot at actually winning the gold, until then I guess he will just have to settle for being the former guy who stole the US title. (3/10 points)

9th Place: Chavo Guerrero

Amazing I know but Chavito Guerrero actually made it into the chart this week with his Hornswaggle antics, kind of makes me want to re-examine how this chart works but never mind. A decent appearance on Raw and some threatening posture before being once again humiliated gives Chavo the grand total of two points. (2/10 points)

10th Place: Zach Ryder

The final space on the chart goes to the Long Island pretty boy that we all know and love. Unfortunately he was unsuccessful at capturing the ECW championship in his first title shot, but giving a good showing means that he might possibly get another shot in the near future. We can only hope. (1/10 points)

Overall top ten:

* 1st Place – Chris Jericho: 173/210

*2nd Place – Randy Orton: 144/210

*3rd Place – C.M. Punk: 120/210

*4th Place – Dolph Ziggler: 100/210

*5th Place – The Miz: 82/210

*6th Place – Edge: 69/210

*7th Place – Jack Swagger: 64/210

*8th Place – The Big Show: 50/210

*9th Place – William Regal: 41/210

*10th Place – Cody Rhodes: 35/210

Weekly Filler:

The Face-off: Jerry Lawler saying DX have never been in a Hell in a Cell before

Yes this one is very specific, but how backwards do you have to be to not remember a match that you yourself called where your boss had his head shoved up a 7ft giant’s arse? Just more proof that the King needs to be put out to pasture. Honestly, without his heel outlook on situations what is the point in the puppy obsessed geriatric being out there? It was just cringe-worthy when Cole corrected him and he insisted he was right until someone obviously told him through his headset that he was indeed wrong and he clammed up and changed the subject. Just awful, really awful.

Face the Facts: Primo vs. Masters Ending

Again another specific point but I just felt like the end to this match was actually believable and indeed likable and innovative. Maybe my expectations have just been lowered by multiple Cena comebacks where the Chump has been beaten down for the entire match and then just hits an F-U out of nowhere for the victory. This type of ending to a match is how you make a superstar.

On the Rise: Kane

Seemingly untouchable in the loss column since his return is the Big Red Machine. Perhaps the WWE have finally woken up to the fact that billing Kane as a monster and yet having him lose to a pint-sized joke like Rey Mysterio doesn’t work. Hopefully this streak will actually mean something and Kane will start to scrape back the reputation he once had many years ago.

Flat Footed: Tony Atlas

Okay, can someone explain to me what the whole laughing thing is and why? It’s like someone said; “Oh I know, let’s put Tony Atlas with Washington to laugh at all his asinine jokes.” “Oh okay, will that be funny?” “No it will just be really, really annoying, but I like it.” “…Okay then, sure.” Retards.

Crossing the Line: The Pope’s Spear to Suicide

This is the type of stuff that happens on TNA week to week that you never see in the WWE. Just watching a match where the moves are so physically impressive that they leave you stunned is something you can’t find anywhere but TNA. Huge props go out to these guys for their recent matches, which have been awesome. By the way does anyone know what the crowd chant when the Pope is in the ring, because I still have no idea; it’s “Pope is…*something*” and I genuinely want to know what it is.

Well that’s it for another week of the heel report. Actually in on time now that I have a trusty internet connection once again. Sorry to those who requested more TNA time on the report but seriously it’s too difficult to keep up with who is and isn’t a heel on that show, like with Matt Morgan in recent weeks, wtf?! Tell me how I’m supposed to judge his actions fairly scientifically when he is switching camps at all times and acting like he is genuine one minute and faking the next. The problem with TNA, from a hell judging perspective anyway, is that it is too real. It is not so cut and dry that I can just say; “Okay, these guys are faces, and these are heels.” And that’s why you won’t see any TNA stars appearing on the chart any time soon. Oh and also because the two hours they provide is not long enough to properly showcase all of their talent so heels might get unfairly left off the report from week to week and I’d rather have no TNA heels than give the WWE ones an advantage over them in direct competition. This is James Wright signing off.