Column: Best and Worst Wrestling Bodies
1. John Morrison.
Every online quiz or blog I’ve seen about WWE’s best bodies, John Morrison is right up there with the best of them. His abs are envied by men, adored by women. Hell, he even adorns them with diamantes when the mood strikes! While he’s not my favourite wrestling body (that right is reserved for #2), I can’t deny that majority rules, and that makes Morrison number one.
2. Randy Orton.
From day one I’ve been in love with Randy Orton, and his body only seems to get better over time. When he was first cast in Evolution, those were his body’s glory days, as he was only 23 and the talk of the wrestling community. It seemed like any opportunity there was for him to take his shirt off, he would! While he did lose some muscle tone and gained a few pounds around the time of his suspension and reprimand for bad backstage behaviour, being in a stable again has brought out the best in him. It doesn’t hurt having two young, ripped protégés in Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase to show up, either.
3. Kelly Kelly.
Once again, age plays a factor here, as Kelly is only 22 years old, and has the body to prove it! Her background in dance and modelling certainly lent itself to her character when she debuted on ECW in 2006 as an exhibitionist. While she is now seen more often wrestling, there is still some of her Extreme Expose persona in there. Kelly definitely has the most flawless body of all the WWE Divas.
4. Maryse/Michelle McCool.
These two ladies played rivals for the Diva’s Championship on SmackDown!, but they share the #4 position for best body. As far as Maryse is concerned, you’ve got to have a certain level of hotness to grace the pages of Playboy, and an even higher level to be on the cover. And she certainly has it. At first I wasn’t a fan of Maryse, but her development on WWE TV as a cocky heel who knows she’s gorgeous makes her the female equivalent of Randy Orton; a strong and sexy character. And Michelle McCool worked as a personal trainer and teacher before becoming a Diva, so she has the perfect mix of athleticism and likeability. But as a heel, she has the opportunity, like Maryse, to flaunt her flawless body. Her modelling experience doesn’t hurt either.
5. John Cena.
While the contours of Cena’s body are nothing to marvel about, he has probably one of the least offensive bodies of all the “big” guys, like Triple H, former WWE star Bobby Lashley and #5 on the Worst Bodies list. There are no protruding veins or tattoos, and he’s not overly tanned and oiled up, which gives him the appearance of having a somewhat “natural” and non-threatening physique.
Runners Up: Beth Phoenix, Evan Bourne, Cody Rhodes, Jeff Hardy, The Undertaker.
Worst:
1. JBL.
If any of you have read my past columns, you might have noticed that I’ve hinted at how much I detest JBL. (I will be writing a piece in the near future on my happiness that JBL is gone from the company.) He’s a sloppy wrestler and has an even sloppier body. In one article I liken his thighs to cottage cheese, and he has more cellulite and love handles than some women I know. And the fact that he gets around in plain black trunks that might as well be plain black underwear doesn’t help his cause.
2. The Miz.
My second least favourite wrestler, and second worst body, is The Miz. While his body might be considered normal for the average Joe, it’s considered bad in the wrestling industry, where your body is your livelihood. Add to that a not-so-impressive face, bad dress sense and an annoyingly cocky attitude, and you’ve got The Miz!
3. Chris Jericho.
While Jericho by no means has a bad body, I feel like his recent change from tights to trunks has essentially cut his body in half and made him shorter than his 6’. Obviously Jericho chose to wear the longer option throughout his career to hide the stockiness we see now, and the costume change is an extension of his heel turn. However, when you look that bad in new ring attire, maybe it’s time to rethink the trunks.
4. CM Punk.
CM Punk is another wrestler who doesn’t have a bad body, but it’s not that good either. I am widely attracted to Punk, however, it’s definitely not because of his body! He incorporates martial arts into his ring arsenal, but unlike those on the Best Bodies list who also do, like Maryse and Morrison (to an extent), this form of fighting hasn’t elongated and defined his body. As an average sized wrestler, Punk should be doing everything he can to tone up and improve his body.
5. Batista.
This choice might be controversial, as Batista is generally seen by male wrestling fans as having the biggest and best body. But from a female’s point of view, Batista is scarily big. The bulging veins are borderline repulsive, and he has the body type that gives WWE a bad name in regards to the steroid debate.
Runners Up: The Great Khali, Jillian Hall, Vickie Guerrero, Shane McMahon, Kane.
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LOL as a male, Morrison is definitely an inspiration.
As I said in another post though, I disagree about the Miz, he’s not cut, but he may actually lift more than Morrison, who is probably more of a lower weight high rep cardio freak.
Not that I’m an expert, but to me Cena looks like one of those guys that are naturally big and genetically gifted. Batista looks inflated.
What do people think of HHH? Is it me or do his pecs go from his shoulder to his legs LOL!
Wheres Melina???? Haters
The only problem I have with this list is that The Undertaker was mentioned on the good side. Come on, I know he’s old but he looks like a menopausal 55 year old woman!…So does Sting, maybe it’s the makeup and black stringy hair.
Up until Triple H’s last quad tear he looked flabby with little definition. Then he returned buff, cut and a six pack.
I agree completely about Morrison, Orton, & JBL.
Only person in all of wrestling ever that I think compares with how great Morrison & Orton look…was how Shawn Michaels looked back when he was in playgirl. THAT’s my number one…but he doesn’t look like that anymore.
And JBL…JBL is just gross >.>
Not to mention annoying, and not really any good in the ring. And that ridiculous character. I could buy someone sloppy looking like that as a red neck…then it’s ok. But not with him being all “I’m a wrestling God” and crap.
I think A Bad one may be The Brian Kendrick’s. He’s gotten a bit more flab since his real “High Flying” days.
Yeah I’m glad JBL is gone too. When he bent over and you could see those big white spots under his a$$ it just really bugged the hell out of me. They do have spray on tans now, you know.
Orton = Number one body, people say there enyous of Morrisons abs, im envyous of ortons, Honesltey best wreslting body NOt overley massive, Look at the guys legs aswell hes all muslce no fat, aswsomely toned, Got i have a man crush on ortons body, btw cody rhodes body just looks weird to me, just weird
Yes Randy Orton has one of the best bodies in all of wrestling. He’s not super big and not super small either, he’s just right. To me Kelly Kelly and Michelle McCool are way too thin so therefore they do not have the best body. Maryse on the other hand does and so does Melina and Layla. Batista’s body is simply bad and sorry to say but he does look like he has taken steriods before.
Good article spoiled by the JBL comment.
If you’re going to include the departed wrestlers who’ve retired then flair, dusty rhodes, bob orton etc should be in there.
*sigh*
Reading this makes me feel like Bret Hart.
As a male, Orton is a inspiration for my gym goals. He isn’t overly massive like others have posted, he has good sized arms, nice chest and the legs, holy crap! Orton is a stud.
You are missing 1 person from that list, and as Andy R stated above, since you might not want to include retired wrestlers…Maybe put MATT HARDY at #1…Does anyone else think Matt is simply chubby?
yeah batista is little overweight but he have the best body in wrestling today do you know why because it’s hard for a lean guy to have 6 packs but see batista 290 pounds and ripped 6 six pack .
I just noticed something.
Dusty Rhodes was 100 TIMES the performer ANYONE mentioned on the “Best Bodies” list is/was/ever will be. If you doubt it, do the research and watch the tapes. (And, yes, I mean prior to polka dots. Aw, screw it. Even AFTER the polka dots.)
What does that mean?
I dunno…
Maybe – I know I’m going out on a limb here – it means that whether or not a wrestler has a “good body” is ABSOLUTELY meaningless? (Ever hear of a guy named Mick Foley? Wahoo McDaniel? Jack Brisco? Vader? Barry Windham? Jeff Hardy?)
What’s next?
Best personality? Coolest hair? Sexiest eyes? Most fashionable manicure? Best buns? Raddest pedicure? Dreamiest gimmick? Bichin’est wardrobe? Most color-coorinated ring gear?
Harley Race is spinning in his grave and the guy isn’t even f’ing dead yet.
Is this what professional wrestling has come to?
This is the most ridiculous,irrelevant column I have EVER read. I apologize for the disrespect Scarlett, but…come on. Put in some time and TRY to understand the traditions and significance of this pseudo-sport we all love so much.
When it becomes a big cirle jerk of “Who has the best abs?” … well, it dies. Believe it or not, the best minds in the history of the business were intellectuals of a sort. If you doubt it, download a Gary Hart shoot interview.
Again, I apologize for any seeming disrespect Scarlett. I genuinely think your heart is in the right place, but you need to spend a little more time studying up on the business. Columns like this are what takes something so unique and special like professional wrestling and turns it into another masturbatory exercise in mediocrity like everything else in popular culture.
Don’t just go with the McMahon flow. Watch some old Florida, AWA, Calgary, WCCW, or NWA (Mid-Atlantic, Georgia, etc.) and get some perspective. Greatness is measured in factors far more relevant than bodies. Take a look at a list of the consensus greats of this business and ask yourself how many of them you would have gone to the prom with.
Terry Funk? Dory Funk Jr.? Nick Bockwinkel? Terry Gordy?
Please don’t turn genuine discourse of this business into America’s Top Model. If you want to be a serious commentator/critic, become a student.
To AIC
Lighten up Francis
If Batista wouldn’t be so “huge”, WWE would have never let him become one of the top guns. Also, Triple H has to be in the top 5; no one else in WWE has pecs like his.
Oh and Beth Phoenix has by far the best body of the “Divas”
AIC: Where do I begin?!
This is not a “best wrestlers” list. As Keelan’s caption states, this is a “lighthearted” take on the best and worst bodies in the WWE. Obviously someone like Mick Foley doesn’t have a great body, but he is a great wrestler.
Your comment also makes me question whether you even read the whole article, as you would see I feature Jeff Hardy under the BEST bodies, not the worst. Having a good body is not conducive to being a good wrestler, and vice versa.
I do like your suggestions for another list though, and it makes me want to create them just to spite you.
What has professional wrestling come to, you ask? Just take a look at WWE, the most famous and successful company in sports entertainment history: it’s a spectacle. And that means characterisation, costuming and make-up, lighting and sound effects, merchandise, promos and everything else that goes along with it.
If you’ve read any of my other columns (doubtful), you would notice that my most recent were part of a five week series on my favourite matches, for which I watched the matches over and over, giving a blow-by-blow account of the moves and why they’re great matches. For more a more hard-hitting, journalistic style column, you can read my account of the Chris Benoit murder-suicide. And God only knows what you’ll have to say about that!
Your ignorance to what professional wrestling is actually like today is what makes the general public and non-wrestling fans give us shit for believing that wrestling is “real” and not “fake”.
I was highly offended by your “prom” remark, too. First of all, I’m Australian and we don’t even have prom. Secondly, just because I’m a female you think all I care about is how a person looks. It seems like you’re so hung up on hot judging someone by their looks (which, let’s face it, in this society it is a pretty big factor) that you mustn’t be very attractive yourself.
Personally, I would much rather spend time with a “great mind” of the wrestling business, like a Mick Foley or a Chris Jericho (both of whom have written some of the best books I’ve ever read), than a “great body” like a Randy Orton or a young Shawn Michaels any day.
But anyway, I’m succumbing to your unneccessary seriousness, when all this was supposed to be was a, again, “lighthearted” list of the best and worst WWE bodies. But you took all the fun out of that. Honestly I just wanted to post a quick and fun column in between more substantial pieces while I transitioned into my new job at the Melbourne Museum. Now who are you calling dumb and materialistic?
And finally, if you want to “genuinely discourse” on professional wrestling, why are you reading a gossip/backstage news site anyway?
1. jo mo for sure
2. randy orton
3. what about r-truth the guy is ripped and athletic.
4. batista has to have one of the best bodies.do you have any idea of the amount of work required to get that large and defined?
5. shelton benjamin – more like a sculpture.
worst:(current)
1. festus
2. big show
3. chavo
4. miz – just flabby – though i agree most likely a heavy lifter
5. finlay – he’s old so it’s a cheap shot but i’ll bet the guy lifts way heavy.
as for the divas, well none of them are bad, are they?
Sonofagun on HHH having a good body, true he probaly does his pecs are huge but too hugge like somebody said before its like his ecs r connected to his legs, hes a bit chubby, i think dolph ziggler actauly has a good body and worst, has anoyone said the obious Big daddy V, and them tatoos just awful!
Yeah I agree, Dolph is in great shape.
Armoured Gideon: R-Truth is a good one. Sorry I left him out; his lack of storyline at the moment kind of made me forget about him. But he has a really great body. Not too big but very defined. From a female’s point of view, Batista just doesn’t have an attractive body. He’s too big, his muscles look Scott Steiner-like – like he’s got tennis balls under there – and I’m not a fan of the visible, chunky veins. The Big Show almost made the list, but I thought it was a bit of a cheap shot as he’s really toned up since he left the company a few years ago. And he’s such a big guy in general that it would be almost impossible to get any kind of muscle definition.
Tharock01 & Keelan: Dolph does have a good body, it’s just hard to focus on it with his ridiculous hair! I’m glad to see Nick Nemeth/Nicky from Spirit Squad/Dolph back on TV. On a side note, my grandma’s friend’s wife is Nick’s cousin!
You just can’t leave off Steven Lewington aka DJ Gabriel. The dude’s got size and definition.
Natalya’s bod is beautiful and helps break up the monotony of the Divas.